I'm somewhat at a loss for what to do with this last learning journal post ... It doesn't seem possible that this could be the last one! It doesn't seem like the semester can be ending! It doesn't seem like I could possibly be officially stepping foot in London exactly one month from today. Can it really be? I've been saying it for weeks, but I think I'll say it again: this does not feel real. There's too much to be done between then and now; a month might as well be an eternity. And yet it was only the bat of an eye ago that I was saying, "It's still more than two months away" to a friend, so I'm sure this next four or so weeks will go by with just as much speed, if not more.
It's funny, but I don't really spend so much time thinking about going to London and being in London anymore. I guess I never really did, but you'd think that it would take up a little more of my brain time than it really does. Maybe it's just because it still doesn't seem real at all that I don't think about it, at least not in serious terms. There have been so many other things on my mind lately—finals, classes next semester, graduating next April, applying to graduate programs—my brain's already living after London, it seems like. Things have been so stressful that the field study has become almost something to check off my list so I can get onto all these other things that I need to do. Even worse, it sometimes jumps up in my mind like a barrier that's keeping me from other things I want to do this summer with friends and family. I hadn't realized this until this weekend, and it struck me that this is remarkably tragic. I'm going to one of the world's greatest cities, and I'm already thinking of it like it's over because my brain is completely preoccupied with the future beyond it. This is not something that I want.
Living in London is going to be hard because I already know I'm going to get horrifically lonely for a bit (that's just the way I am and I'm already mentally preparing myself for it) and because it's going to be tempting for me to go away into my little library corner and sit there all day and then go home and sit in my room and be a hermit because I'm so stressed about being by myself in a foreign country and doing a project that will inevitably stress me out while I'm missing out on all the fun things that my friends and family will be doing together while I pay for four months of housing contract in Provo because I haven't been able to sell my contract yet, so why didn't I just stay in Provo in the first place because it would have been a whole darn lot easier?
Calm down, calm down ... I'm not serious. Entirely. I'm just trying to explain that as soon as I start thinking like that, I'm going to kick myself or something, because that is not the attitude I want to have at all. Yes, staying in Provo would be easier. It would be a lot easier. And yeah, I'm going to miss out on doing fun things with my friends and family. And it's true that I'm going to be working on a project that's probably going to be very frustrating, because that's just the way that projects are. And I know (oh boy do I know) that this is going to be one of the most emotionally taxing experiences in my life to date. But I know it's going to be worth it. Doing this project is going to do amazing things for my ability to do academic research and synthesize real information. It's going to be integral in me figuring out if this is the kind of thing I want to do long-term or not. It's going to help me get into graduate school and pursue whatever I decide my dreams are going to be. And the benefits don't even stop at academia!
And so, I have a resolution: I am going to live in London.
So what do I mean by living in London? Pretty much just what it says. I'm going to live my life in London. I'm not going to think about what I'm missing back home or in Provo. I'm not going to think about what's ahead. London is going to be my life, and I'm going to make every effort I can to live in the present. Not very often anyways. Thinking about all the things I have to do and everything that's happening outside of London will inevitably stress me out beyond my ability to do anything productive, let alone enjoy myself.
Again, this is not what I want.
I want to enjoy my time in London. I want to be able to have a good experience, immerse myself in life there, and not be stuck thinking about things beyond what is right in front of me, and furthermore way more awesome and exciting than anything I could possibly be doing in the U.S. (This is a significant part of the reason that I chose to have Eng317 be one of my classes that I take while in the field--it will basically force me to enjoy London and do the things that are most helpful when I'm stressed. It's basically an academic tranquilizer, honestly. Not that I'll need a tranquilizer or anything...).
This is going to be a great experience academically, culturally, and personally. I can't wait!
And let me just say it ...
See you in a month, London!
No comments:
Post a Comment